I really do. They are great. Sometimes I wear them under my regular clothes, then I go out. In Public! And people don't know!
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I love Rhapsody Music!

It's one week since my friend Craig commited suicide and I just finished going thru all of his computer disks to see if there was anything I should give to his daughter or save. Earlier I went to my friend's house to sort thru Craig's things and organize them so we can start giving them to the people he asked us to in his letter. Saturday I heard that his body had been creamated and they were going to let his daughter decide what should be done with them. It's hard to know what a 14yr. old is going thru when she has to decide what to do with her father's ashes. But I feel better. The closure is coming and at least I know I do have friends that truely care and that are willing to drop whatever they are doing to make sure I am ok. There's alot of people involved with this now and I have yet to speak to his immediate family. I am only going by what he had told me and what I've read in his journals. I recieved an email from his daughter about four days ago and I replied, but I haven't gotten anything else. I just worry about his daughter. She was the reason he lived as long as he did.

It bothers me to know that there are alot of women out there with custody of their children and they make it so difficult for the men be good fathers. Not all men are bad. Some of have spines and sensitivity. I hate the fact that the courts automatically believe that the mother is the best parent for their children. I hate to think that this will happen again to somebody that I will never know. Not all men are assholes and bad fathers. Some of them just run into problems in their lives and wives should remember the vows, “Thru thick and thin…” It's so easy to quit a marriage nowadays. I hear people say that all the time: “It's not working out, I'm thinking of getting a divorce.” I know it's not just women. But this was a great man who loved his daughter so much. He talked about her all the time, I read his journals and that's all he wrote about. He loved her and he gets treated like shit because he doesn't have a job. Because he couldn't pay the child support. I worked with this man, and he was a hard worker, a great worker, but he just had problems. HE never got the help he needed but HE got letters from the court about every other week. His daughter loved him and she lost him. What a shame. What happend to this world? What happend to the times when marriage was about love and not money? This is something that happends more than we think. And I'm not trying to bash women, but damn, it's a terrible shame that a man and a great father is dead because he couldn't afford to send his entire check out to his ex wife. Not his daughter. His ex wife. Becareful with what you think is good for your kids, you might be making the wrong decisions. Rest In Peace Craig. I love you.

I got home from Tucson monday morning to find that my very good friend who was watching my place while I was away had committed suicide inside my apartment. I walked in and just knew right away that he was dead but I tried like hell to wake him up anyway. I called my friend that lives down the street to come help me. I felt his body was stiff and cold while I was shaking him, but I knew already, but I kept going. I checked his pulse on his neck and his wrist, nothing. But I kept calling his name. I noticed the note on the chair next to him. I called 911 and waited outside for them to show. I must’ve smoked about five cigarettes before anyone showed up. The firefighters got here first of course, and it took them about two seconds to confirm it. This may be in the local newspaper this morning. It may sound stingy for me to say this, but, why does this happen to me?

Every time something is going great it seems like God will keep me grounded in some crazy way. Throw me to the ground as if to say “you’re not shit. I’m still in charge.” Is this what it’s going to be like my entire life? Am I supposed to write jokes about this? Because I already have. Is that wrong? Is it ok that he wrote that it’s ok in his suicide note? Just the fact that he did it in my apartment gives me the right to be upset and make fun, doesn’t it?

This is one thing I learned as a little boy: “Never let your guard down.” It’s when you do that the stress of life will consume you. I saw my brother attemt suicide more times than I can remember when I was growing up. I thought of blowing my head off several times. Hell, that’s what got me into comedy. That’s what’s kept me doing comedy. It’s therapy for me. I don’t know. This is just insane. I can’t honestly say that I’m surprised he did it. I just didn’t see any of the signs he would’ve done it now. I feel guilty. I feel mad. I feel responsible. I mean thats part of my act. Suicide Jokes. Should I feel this way? Maybe if my bus from Tucson was on time I could’ve gotten here in time to change his mind. Maybe if I wasn’t such an asshole joking about suicide he would’ve not done at my place. I think this is God’s way of saying “Try to make this funny.” And I will. Believe me I will. I love a challenge. I am not suicidal, I am not depressed. I’m just confused. Fuck that. It may be the anger talking but only the strong survive. Cowards quit.

Craig, you asshole. I hope this makes you happy. I hope this is what you really wanted and not some overreaction to a drunkin stuper. I’ll miss you and I’ll never hate you for this but I will use this to make people laugh. And you can’t stop me. You can haunt me and hide under my bed as I begin to sleep each night, but you can’t stop me. It takes more than death to stop me.

I just turned 27 and I’m starting do wonder if this is going to be a pattern. I can’t find a decent girl to trust because they all have cheated on me while I’m out of town. Some of my family still thinks I’m chasing a stupid dream and my friends are dropping like flies. Am I going to be some old guy that lives in a old folks home and nobody knows anything about? Unable to talk, walk, eat by myself, go to the bathroom without having someone help me? Will I become a successful comic or writer someday, years from now, and lose my mom or brother right after my big break as a another one of God’s “Lessons”? I am so scared of not having anybody. I always had this strange feeling that I was going to die at the age of thirty. That’s three years away. I don’t know if it’s just something in my mind or if it’s a legitimate warning. But I’ll keep going till it comes. I barely leave my apartment when I am in town and now I can’t help but look over at my bed and still see him laying there. I can’t get him out of the corners of my eyes. But I will not move to another apartment. I will not stay at a friend’s house. That would be the easy thing to do. I need this to be hard. That’s what makes me stronger. That’s what makes everyone stronger. Only the cowards quit. Keep moving, there’s too many dreams to chase.

— UPDATE July 2, 2009 —-

THANKS TO “RICK” for emailing me and reminding me about this post.

It’s been 4 yrs since this post. I was on stage 3 days later telling a joke about this. I have also continued to lose friends over the years. I have not changed. I find the humor in every situation, even when it hits close to home for me. That’s who I am. That’s what I do.

Update is in response to this:

Yes, she was talking about me.